This weeks sermon opened my eyes to so many things that I “could” be doing. Jesus walked. He covered ground he got into the trenches and loved on some broken people.
Our Pastor gave us homework this week. Go on a prayer walk. Look around and see the broken and lonely
and serve! And I was like hey I’m going to start walking. I can do this! The need to serve has been calling me a lot lately. I have so many opportunities just within my family! Let alone new neighbors.
Immediately a senior apt complex comes into my minds eye. There is one less than a block from me. I know a lot of older people are lonely. I could easily visit with them and serve them and I am more than sure that they could teach me a thing or two. :). Anyway just some things heavy on my soul tonight.
God bless ~*<3*~
I sit here about to experience my first Good Friday Since starting my walk with Christ. Not really my first, but my first really realizing what he gave, what he went through, so that I could be forgiven. It makes me ache inside and it makes me want to do so much better. As I spend more and more time in the Word I realize all the bad things I really have done. I’ve gone through life thinking “oh I haven’t done this or haven’t done that. So I am ok.” but when you read into the Word and realize what the definition of some of those things really are….I have done almost all of them. It makes me feel so shameful. It makes me want to do so much better. TO Put him FIRST in my life. Always look up and focused on him. I KNOW I can do so much better as long as I do that.
Anyway Im off here. 🙂
~*<3*~ God Bless ~*<3*~
I watched a movie tonight that I have watched before. Towards the end of my marriage. Fireproof. If you are thinking of getting married or having a rough go at it. Watch this movie. It will show you what God can do in a marriage.
While watching this movie I have to wonder to myself. Did I really do everything I could do to save my Marriage? Now that I am reading Gods words I know part of the reason my marriage failed. Because he wasn’t at the center of it. If I had trusted God then the way I do now. Maybe I would still have a happy marriage. If I had just prayed for my husband instead of fight with him.
I know I can’t live my life in what ifs. And I won’t do that to myself. But there is that small voice saying I didn’t and maybe it could still be saved even after a year. And then I remember it all. The good the bad and the very very ugly. And I remember the last day in that house praying so hard that God would protect us. And my husband never woke up. Even though I was not very quiet. I was so scared. So afraid of the confrontation. Now I do not live In Fear or jump at the slightest sound or live my life on eggshells. Anyway. Just processing I guess.
Good night and God Bless ~*<3*~
I have to admit to judging someone. I apologized later but the words were already said both ways. This person isn’t someone I was close to but none the less I should not gotten as angry with her as I did. I was defending my oldest child and my claws came out. I controlled them for the most part but still I shouldn’t have even said anything. I guess. Sometimes it’s hard to step away from being that fierce parent and just Letting God handle things. What is sad is that even as I was defending her and I was trying to not attack not judge her I did and it felt wrong.
Funny how I am starting to recognize certain behaviors in myself. I am starting to catch them before I jump into action and I am also thinking before doing most things.
Anyway I just needed to vent and confess that. Have an amazing Sunday
~*<3*~ God Bless
As I am on my personal Journey with Jesus and God, I am often amazed at how things come about. One of my co-workers has always been a great inspiration to me. In changing my patterns reading the Word more and just walking the walk. I’ve noticed changes in myself and how I treat others and how I take what they say. 🙂 Its wonderful changes. We were talking about Callings and where I was at in my job etc. Also the thought of one person changing the world.
While we were discussing callings and Jobs I mentioned how Satisfying my job is to me. I have always felt this overwhelming need to help others. However As I have gotten older its not the same way as I feel the need to. My need, desire, want, calling, is to help people in pain. WIth compassion, Jesus, The Word, and LOVE. I’ve felt this need more and more. To work with the children and people who have been abused and are extremely angry. I believe God is calling me to act on this need more as I am older and have unique opportunities to go back to school and change my career. A total shift in career. Now I am faced with which way to do this. I’d like to go to a Christian College preferably online to work around my current Job. With the tilt to the Christian side because I feel that is the biggest answer to overcoming Anger and Hurt.
Anyways My co-worker felt that I needed to share the satisfaction that I feel from helping others and how it fills me with happiness. I like knowing that I can help others and make them feel better about themselves.
Lately I have been asking (mostly on Facebook) for my friends and family to pray for my DD#1. She is a type one diabetic and 25 weeks pregnant. She has been in the hospital 3 x with kidney problems. This time for almost 2 weeks and she has been in 2 different hospitals. This time they have figured out the problem and are finally treating it. The pain is going away! I just have to say a big thank you to any one who said a little prayer for her and her baby. HE is perfect! His little heart is great and so is everything else.
I also have to say THANK YOU to God for answering all of our prayers and guiding the Dr.’s and helping them find the problem and the solution, and allowing her to have her own room and not have to share with the very loud neighbor 😉
PS My Temptations – I have been able to keep the conversations clean w/the other person. Its not easy and IM afraid I have damaged anything that we might have possibly had. I have very mixed feelings about, but I also know that I deserve to be loved, and treated with respect. Anyway just thought I would share.
The hardest thing in the world. Temptations. I have one big huge one. I feel like every week at church its touched on. Almost as if God is telling me that the one thing, the one person, Ive held in my thoughts for YEARS, and recently reconnected with. Not necessarily in a good way. Lustful and sinful. I swear every week the pastor is talking to me. Well Ive deleted accounts that I had that weren’t nice, and deleted stuff off of my phone. One last lustful thing to let go of. Can I do it? Is it possible to be a friend with someone whom, you have been and could possibly be in love with? But you know realistically it can never work out? Or there is no way you will ever get to have or be with this person? Im not sure if I can. BUT I Know what I want with someone, and this isn’t it. I know how things are meant to be How God meant them to be. Ive read them. Understand them and understand where my marriage and my sexuality etc has gone horribly wrong. And if im supposed to give him up, why does it hurt, why am I crying. I know that I have to walk in faith and maybe this is that walk.
Will I ever get to have a husband again? And be happy? Im reminded of the verse in the bible -Mark 10:11
11So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”
So if this is true. Then if I ever remarry I will be committing adultery. Are there exceptions to this? Perhaps the reasoning behing the divorce? Or is it just what it is? and if I remarry im damned?
Thats all for now. Signing off with tears.