I watched a movie tonight that I have watched before. Towards the end of my marriage. Fireproof. If you are thinking of getting married or having a rough go at it. Watch this movie. It will show you what God can do in a marriage.
While watching this movie I have to wonder to myself. Did I really do everything I could do to save my Marriage? Now that I am reading Gods words I know part of the reason my marriage failed. Because he wasn’t at the center of it. If I had trusted God then the way I do now. Maybe I would still have a happy marriage. If I had just prayed for my husband instead of fight with him.
I know I can’t live my life in what ifs. And I won’t do that to myself. But there is that small voice saying I didn’t and maybe it could still be saved even after a year. And then I remember it all. The good the bad and the very very ugly. And I remember the last day in that house praying so hard that God would protect us. And my husband never woke up. Even though I was not very quiet. I was so scared. So afraid of the confrontation. Now I do not live In Fear or jump at the slightest sound or live my life on eggshells. Anyway. Just processing I guess.
Good night and God Bless ~*<3*~
The hardest thing in the world. Temptations. I have one big huge one. I feel like every week at church its touched on. Almost as if God is telling me that the one thing, the one person, Ive held in my thoughts for YEARS, and recently reconnected with. Not necessarily in a good way. Lustful and sinful. I swear every week the pastor is talking to me. Well Ive deleted accounts that I had that weren’t nice, and deleted stuff off of my phone. One last lustful thing to let go of. Can I do it? Is it possible to be a friend with someone whom, you have been and could possibly be in love with? But you know realistically it can never work out? Or there is no way you will ever get to have or be with this person? Im not sure if I can. BUT I Know what I want with someone, and this isn’t it. I know how things are meant to be How God meant them to be. Ive read them. Understand them and understand where my marriage and my sexuality etc has gone horribly wrong. And if im supposed to give him up, why does it hurt, why am I crying. I know that I have to walk in faith and maybe this is that walk.
Will I ever get to have a husband again? And be happy? Im reminded of the verse in the bible -Mark 10:11
11So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”
So if this is true. Then if I ever remarry I will be committing adultery. Are there exceptions to this? Perhaps the reasoning behing the divorce? Or is it just what it is? and if I remarry im damned?
Thats all for now. Signing off with tears.