Thoughts on a failed Marriage

I watched a movie tonight that I have watched before. Towards the end of my marriage. Fireproof. If you are thinking of getting married or having a rough go at it. Watch this movie. It will show you what God can do in a marriage.

While watching this movie I have to wonder to myself. Did I really do everything I could do to save my Marriage? Now that I am reading Gods words I know part of the reason my marriage failed. Because he wasn’t at the center of it. If I had trusted God then the way I do now. Maybe I would still have a happy marriage. If I had just prayed for my husband instead of fight with him.

I know I can’t live my life in what ifs. And I won’t do that to myself. But there is that small voice saying I didn’t and maybe it could still be saved even after a year. And then I remember it all. The good the bad and the very very ugly. And I remember the last day in that house praying so hard that God would protect us. And my husband never woke up. Even though I was not very quiet. I was so scared. So afraid of the confrontation. Now I do not live In Fear or jump at the slightest sound or live my life on eggshells. Anyway. Just processing I guess.
Good night and God Bless ~*<3*~
Christina

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Trials

I have to admit to judging someone. I apologized later but the words were already said both ways. This person isn’t someone I was close to but none the less I should not gotten as angry with her as I did. I was defending my oldest child and my claws came out. I controlled them for the most part but still I shouldn’t have even said anything. I guess. Sometimes it’s hard to step away from being that fierce parent and just Letting God handle things. What is sad is that even as I was defending her and I was trying to not attack not judge her I did and it felt wrong.
Funny how I am starting to recognize certain behaviors in myself. I am starting to catch them before I jump into action and I am also thinking before doing most things.
Anyway I just needed to vent and confess that. Have an amazing Sunday
~*<3*~ God Bless
Christina

Changes and Callings

As I am on my personal Journey with Jesus and God, I am often amazed at how things come about. One of my co-workers has always been a great inspiration to me. In changing my patterns reading the Word more and just walking the walk. I’ve noticed changes in myself and how I treat others and how I take what they say. ūüôā Its wonderful changes. We were talking about Callings and where I was at in my job etc. Also the thought of one person changing the world.

While we were discussing callings and Jobs I mentioned how Satisfying my job is to me. I have always felt this overwhelming need to help others.¬†However As I have gotten older its not the same way as I feel the need to. My need, desire, want, calling, is to help people in pain. WIth compassion, Jesus, The Word, and LOVE. I’ve felt this need more and more. To work with the children and people who have been abused and are extremely angry. I believe God is calling me to act on this need more as I am older and have unique opportunities to go back to school and change my career. A total shift in career. Now I am faced with which way to do this. I’d like to go to a Christian College preferably online to work around my current Job. With the tilt to the Christian side because I feel that is the biggest answer to overcoming Anger and Hurt.

Anyways My co-worker felt that I needed to share the satisfaction that I feel from helping others and how it fills me with happiness. I like knowing that I can help others and make them feel better about themselves.

One day at a time…

Some days are harder than others. ¬†Not¬†necessarily¬†for¬†temptation¬†although there are some I still need to work on. ¬†But for money andeveryday life stress. ¬†I trust that the Lord will not let me fall so far down that I can not get back up. ¬†If he was going to do that, it would have already happened. ¬†Im praying for his guidance in finding a new home. ¬†An¬†apartment¬†more than likely. ¬†Renting a house was nice, but there is a lot to this house that I just can not afford. ¬†To be honest, I am tired of stressing over gas to get to work, money to get food, etc. It¬†would¬†be nice to be able to save for emergencies, and other things. ¬†So starting tomorrow im off on an¬†apartment¬†hunt. ¬†Preferably¬†in a nice neighborhood, with washer and dryer hookups, with a decent price in rent. ¬†I know he will show me the right one for me and my girls. ¬†I just want to feel safe and secure, and have breathing room. I will so miss being in the country. I truly love it out here, but I just don’t see a way financially to be continue to stay here.

 

As for my daughter, her pain has returned and the Dr.’s are looking at what they can do to relieve the pain. I pray that they find something for her soon and she can come home. Anyway I guess I just wanted to ramble a bit. ¬†Im off to bed.

~*<3*~ God Bless

Christina

Answered Prayers

Lately I have been asking (mostly on Facebook) for my friends and family to pray for my DD#1.  She is a type one diabetic and 25 weeks pregnant.  She has been in the hospital 3 x with kidney problems.  This time for almost 2 weeks and she has been in 2 different hospitals.  This time they have figured out the problem and are finally treating it. The pain is going away! I just have to say a big thank you to any one who said a little prayer for her and her baby.  HE is perfect! His little heart is great and so is everything else.

I also have to say THANK YOU to God for answering all of our prayers and guiding the Dr.’s and helping them find the problem and the solution, and allowing her to have her own room and not have to share with the very loud neighbor ūüėČ

 

Thank you

Christina

 

PS My Temptations РI have been able to keep the conversations clean w/the other person. Its not easy and IM afraid I have damaged anything that we might have possibly had.  I have very mixed feelings about, but I also know that I deserve to be loved, and treated with respect. Anyway just thought I would share.

Giving temptations up…..

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The hardest thing in the world. Temptations. ¬†I have one big huge one. I feel like every week at church its touched on. Almost as if God is telling¬†me that the one thing, the one person, Ive held in my thoughts for YEARS, and recently reconnected with. Not¬†necessarily¬†in a good way. ¬†Lustful and sinful. I swear every week the pastor is talking to me. ¬†Well Ive deleted accounts that I had that weren’t nice, and deleted stuff off of my phone. ¬†One last lustful thing to let go of. ¬†Can I do it? Is it possible to be a friend with someone whom, you have been and could possibly be in love with? But you know realistically it can never work out? Or there is no way you will ever get to have or be with this person? ¬† Im not sure if I can. BUT I Know what I want with someone, and this isn’t it. ¬†I know how things are meant to be How God meant them to be. Ive read them. Understand them and understand where my marriage and my sexuality etc has gone horribly wrong. ¬†And if im supposed to give him up, why does it hurt, why am I crying. ¬†I know that I have to walk in faith and maybe this is that walk.

Will I ever get to have a husband again? And be happy?  Im reminded of the verse in the bible -Mark  10:11

11So He said to them,¬†‚ÄúWhoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her.¬†12And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.‚ÄĚ

So if this is true. Then if I ever remarry I will be committing adultery.  Are there exceptions to this? Perhaps the reasoning behing the divorce? Or is it just what it is? and if I remarry im damned?

Thats all for now. Signing off with tears.

Good Night

Learning

Today I have learned many things. ūüôā my walk with God is always in a state of flux. I’m constantly looking to learn more and gain understanding. I am very lucky and happen to work with people who’s zestful God is similar. One is on a similar journey and one is a rock in his faith. His love for God always inspiring, his patience and love for people always amazes me. You can see the love for his children and his desire for them to follow where he leads. It’s very inspiring and he is a good man.

The other one is probably my biggest inspiration to strive to be a better person and Christian. He has lit the way back to God for me. And Gods light is shining brightly for me. I strive everyday to be a better woman, mother, person, friend, and human being.

I was amazed today by a revelation that I was able to say I was beautiful and I meant it! I know God loves me. He wants me and he made me beautiful. I’m growing in my faith reading and trusting him with things I never would have before. Soon I will take the biggest leap yet. School and a change in career. I’ve toyed with it and toyed with it. I feel this change is my true calling and will utilize every gift God has given me. I’m excited and scared at the same time. But I also know he will not let me fall. He had caught me every time. I have always felt his presence working in my life. And I am always very thankful for that.

Ok now that I’ve written a novel I need to sleep.
~*<3*~ God Bless ~*<3*~
Christina