Giving temptations up…..

The hardest thing in the world. Temptations.  I have one big huge one. I feel like every week at church its touched on. Almost as if God is telling me that the one thing, the one person, Ive held in my thoughts for YEARS, and recently reconnected with. Not necessarily in a good way.  Lustful and sinful. I swear every week the pastor is talking to me.  Well Ive deleted accounts that I had that weren’t nice, and deleted stuff off of my phone.  One last lustful thing to let go of.  Can I do it? Is it possible to be a friend with someone whom, you have been and could possibly be in love with? But you know realistically it can never work out? Or there is no way you will ever get to have or be with this person?   Im not sure if I can. BUT I Know what I want with someone, and this isn’t it.  I know how things are meant to be How God meant them to be. Ive read them. Understand them and understand where my marriage and my sexuality etc has gone horribly wrong.  And if im supposed to give him up, why does it hurt, why am I crying.  I know that I have to walk in faith and maybe this is that walk.

Will I ever get to have a husband again? And be happy?  Im reminded of the verse in the bible -Mark  10:11

11So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

So if this is true. Then if I ever remarry I will be committing adultery.  Are there exceptions to this? Perhaps the reasoning behing the divorce? Or is it just what it is? and if I remarry im damned?

Thats all for now. Signing off with tears.

Good Night

Amazing Things

 I must say that I have been experiencing AMAZING things these past couple of months.  In making my decision to walk with God instead of on my own. I am much more at peace and am able to do things that I didn’t think was possible for me.  I was able to snap out of a state of withdrawals to help my child make it through pain of her own.

I am able to take a step back from things, and leave them with him and not worry. It’s so refreshing. I have meaningful conversations with my coworkers and am relating to them in a whole new way.  Much more patient.

I have experienced his hands in my life once again. It always amazes me when I do feel that.  Last night I went to a women’s enrichment at my church. I was so impressed with the feelings of acceptance and love in that room. God’s presence was felt at all times.  Even his nudges to make peace with someone at work that normally is negative towards me.  Mostly because of my job, and things that are out of my control.  I try super hard to keep negative people away from me, but in my line of work it’s not always easy.  Anyway I was shocked to see her there as she was me. Maybe its something that I need to work on with her and that’s why he put her there.  I’m not sure.  The stories of leaps of faith and a-ha moments were just amazing.  It always causes me to self reflect on my own a-ha moments and to continue to look for them in my life.  Truly listen to what God is showing, telling, or whispering to me.  I think that last part is always something to remember.  Sometimes its just a whisper. Not a huge sign but a tiny barely audible whisper.  We just have to be tuned into God and listen at all times, and trust that he will do what is needed with our lives.  Anyway I think I could probably write a book on the things that God has shown me or wanted me to see in my life. 🙂

Back to work!

Christina

Oh PS….Prayers work! My daughter ended up in the hospital again, I have so many wonderful friends and family and coworkers who have taken a few moments to think of her and her baby and pray for her.  She is going home today w/no procedure and the baby is great! The swelling in her kidney is better and there is no blockage on the right kidney – the left kidney looks much better and the stent that was placed two weeks ago is doing its job.   Thank YOU GOD for your blessings!

Tests and amazement

As I read the bible I’m amazed at the drama and amazing and awesome stories that are written. It’s comforting to know that even then they had their drama, stumblings, and life challenges. I watched the story of Ruth this evening. How inspiring it is. Even in the face of so much hatred and sadness she never gave up on God. She fully believed and in return he gave her Boaz. And they prospered. She came from evil and worshiping false idols. And took that leap that we are all sometimes called to take. The leap of faith and trust in God that his plans for us are just that. And we need to trust and follow at all costs. Of we stand tall and brave he will stand tall and brave with us. Sometimes even hold us up.

This week has been super hard for me. I overpaid a bill, ran out of fuel to heat my home and discovered that yet again I do not mean as much to another person as they lead me to believe. But instead of letting it drag me down. I gave it to God and trusted that he would provide a way out of the mess. A way off of the meds and a way into the light. I write this in the midst of withdrawals and clarity at the same time. At my weakest moment I dropped to my knees and prayed that God would take it and help me make it through this. I’m exhausted emotionally and physically. But I’m not dizzy and I’m not crying. He held me and had helped me through this day.

Thank you Lord for giving me the strength to let go and give you my burdens. For giving me the knowledge of your everlasting love. Thank you Lord for giving me the most amazing family and support system that I could possibly have during this Trying time.
In Jesus’ name I pray Amen
~* ❤ *~
Christina